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Fri Jan 20 09:02:36 2006 News:
since 1996!
i spent two of the most difficult and vulnerable years of my life with oliver. not *because* of him - it was just bad timing. he was there while i worked hard to understand and accept my breakup with peter. he was there for my integration into nyc, for my grandfather's death, for my ongoing battle with financial crap, for the depression i felt at my return to san francisco in 2004, and for my horribly difficult battles with pain & hormonal upset related to my fibroid. and he was there to see me through my fibroid surgery, which was one of the scariest things i have ever been through.it's been three months since the surgery. i'm not in pain all the time anymore, and my hormones seem to have settled right down. i've integrated my feelings about peter, i've done a shitload of work towards my finances. i've reached equilibrium about being in SF, have a really amazing job here, and have made some rad new friends. i'm in a really good setup with school, the apartment is nice, the cats are happy. in many ways i am feeling better than i have ever felt. it was really transitional time for me. and a really hard time to try to nurture a new and fragile relationship with presence and clarity. it's really scary to try and trust someone when you're going through a lot of the stuff i've been working on in the past two years. it hasn't been easy to try and create security with oliver throughout it all. in fact, it kind of never really happened.right now i'm working really hard to not feel shameful and embarassed to have displayed so much of myself to someone who now needs to move on. and i'm frustrated because i honestly don't believe that the trials of the past couple of years are indicative of my whole life and personality, and i feel guilty that someone i love very much only got to be with me through some hard times. i wish there was a chance to reward each other for sticking it out, with the fun and adventure and togetherness we deserve.we shared a lot of amazing things and really good times, too. it's crazy how your hardest times can also be your most amazing and alive, too. we had wonderful road trips through new mexico, went to burning man together, loved the cats together, conquered nyc together, and so much more that can never really be written down. we were good at being together, good at shopping together, good at geeking together, good at playing house. we learned so much from each other, and there was incredible comfort just in being near. we felt intensely for each other, and it felt really really good. i was made to feel like a queen, and it's incredibly hard to look into a future where oliver's particular amazing way of shining optimism and generosity and love onto me won't be present. at least not in the same form.it's been a really horrible few weeks since this breakup started to happen. i've been reluctant to discuss it publically because i feel ashamed and because i feel so sad sometimes, too, i guess. but mostly i've been reluctant to acknowledge it openly because i was hoping that maybe i wouldn't have to - maybe it wouldn't really be happening. but as the days pass and pass and pass, and as i start to unfurl into the possiblities of the next phase of my life, it seems clear that yes, it is happening. everytime i blurt it out to someone i feel like an anvil has been dropped on my chest.i'm tired of laying down, though. i've been weak for so long. i haven't been able to stand up for myself very well, and i've been sad a lot, and there were a lot of times that i should have stood my ground. now i feel strong and able to look after myself pretty well, with the occasional super hero moment from one of my awesome friends. i did say i wanted 2006 to be the year of doing what i want.. and apologizing less. so i guess it's time to get going on that, though it's certainly happening in the least possible desirable way. venus retrograde: fuck you.
i sold the legendary floss boss on craigslist. tomorrow, a nice guy named charley will come pick it up to "use at his church." i feel sad, mostly because the floss boss was an amazing gift from peter, who got it for me after i told him that i loved cotton candy.goodbye, floss boss. you served me well. you are a noble and kind machine, and i know that your new life will be filled with many satisfying opportunities for you to bring your delicious fluffy sugar to happy people. no hard feelings, ok? i am also selling most of my My Little Pony toys. it's been making me a little sad to see them go, because they mean a lot to me regarding comforts and joys from my constantly upheaved childhood. but mostly, getting rid of stuff i don't need feels good, plus the extra $$ are all going to a new laptop, which i really need... i haven't had a new machine since 2001, and this one is slow and on its last legs.
my computer needs a breathalizer on it.
i've been going through two simultaneous desires lately, regarding sites like friendster, etc. one desire is to delete my accounts from all of these sites, because on some level the sites depress me. i never did sign up for myspace, thank god. i was on okcupid.com, for a while, drawn in by one of their quizzes. after spending a bunch of time just browsing through strangers wondering if any of them were worthwhile, not even for dating, but to know at all, it just made me super depressed and lonely. so i deleted my account there. but, the other desire is to be on all of these sites forever. i have some kind of pissing instinct where i want to have a membership on every one of these kinds of sites, and anywhere online that i can have a membership with a profile, because i want to be dependably ubiquitous. i really do think of it as a strange form of cultural art, bombing the internet with one's narrative. related to these thoughts is that i suddenly started getting email from salon personals again. i signed up for nerve personals years ago, when it was free, before nerve personals got folded into salon personals. a small group of my friends were really into it, i think because it was pre-social networking sites and we liked to see each other's profiles there. i remember olivia was on there, and so was joanna. and some of joanna's austin pals. it was fun times, especially when we matched each other.salon personals has changed their whole format, migrated all the older user data over to the new design, and started spamming me with my "matches" even though i made my profile un-public a long time ago. i absolutely don't want to be on any personals site, so i went to delete my account, but first, i wanted to look at what i wrote on my profile there years ago, i supposed in 2001 or 2002, since i mention my bike. it made me happy to see what i wrote then, despite that the new interface ruins the nostalgia a bit, and despite that salon has a data problem and thinks i'm two women. i just archived my profile* before i deleted my account, so i can remember all this someday later, too. related, does anyone remember when sixdegrees.com was a social networking site? why do you think it didn't work then, in 99 or whenever it was? i think it might have been that there just weren't as many people, especially teenagers and college kids, who were into the internet in that way.*it's neat that there is STILL a huge pair of handmade fairy wings hanging above my window frame.
there is nothing poignant about this post, ok? after a week of emotional seeking and expressing, finding a kind of amazing sudden gentle safety and love in the world despite all the rough things and scary things... here is what i have to say:1. i'm really tired. i have done a lot of work this week in every way. i'm going to sleep soon. i deserve sleep and solitude.2. my main goals for tomorrow are just to be mellow and not worry or freak out or anything.3. karen is here this weekend and i very much look forward to coffeeing with her4. also, maybe brunch with j-rah and hooping too.5. hm this isn't really a list anymore.i actually came to say:milestoneafter using pine for over a decade, i have finally extracted myself from it's comforting textually emulated folds. now i use IMAP and thunderbird. it's quite spiffy and pleasing to be able to sort and search messages. i think this will cause me to send more email. on the downside, i think i'll delete more email and thus lose some of those little rememberances i used to get when finding an email receipt for some gift i bought someone in 2001... but maybe those are worth losing.
mostly, i remember those first grey mornings in his bed. it slowly became our bed, but first, i was an interloper. i felt very honored, the way you do when a man with a luxurious bed invites you into it. the bed was so high, a huge throne of a bed. the sheets were expensive and distinctly capricornian to me. in the winter, the sounds of the trucks downshifting on a near by road punctuated the morning. i came to find these sounds such comforting reminders of those first weeks, for the whole time we were there. i remember sleepily asking oliver what the sounds were. i remember being in that bed when it first snowed in new york that winter, and calling my mother excitedly to tell her it was snowing, before ever getting up. i remember how we would lay on the bed in any orientation, fuck on it in any orientation, and the way the now-gone wooden frame felt when i laced my fingers around it. it was where we first kissed, how we first really met. it was soft, and welcoming, and safe. oliver learned that it was ok to eat in bed, and yoko figured out how to jump the great height to lay with us there. i bled on it. and cried in it. i suppose it could have been considered a notable omen that the mattress & box spring never quite worked on my frame, when we tried to merge the two. but you can't go scanning the world for omens all the time, or you'll go crazy.
my uterus has been behaving a bit oddly this month. i think it's still healing. last night it was hurting, so i put my hand over my scar and spoke gently to it. you ok, little uterus? don't be sad. at least we have each other.
i think things are going to be ok.
places i'd rather be than here right now: an escapist list, by le.in a beautiful barren new mexico plain or at the VLAbrooklyn, springtime, looking out the window at the cherry blossomsharbin hot springsbig suron the way to arcatahigh on ecstacy at a ravehiking with ryan shawat the dining room table in the 10th st house, working on a paper, and egg is in her room clapping along to lil' kimsafe in my tent at burning man with the pounding sounds all around mesitting in the lawn chairs at omega looking across lake drive at the treesin the hot tub in vieques under the starsawake in deepest quietest night at the cottagepicking my way through a dark forest on the way to anywhere safe where friends arein bedin bed high on painkillerson the F trainthe metropolitan museum of art, preferably at the temple of dendur but i'd take the frank lloyd wright room, too.asleep upstairs at chocopa's house, in the moment before he is about to come in to wake me with a cup of coffeeon the j church looking across dolores park at the exact moment that the moon is rising over the bayin a clawfoot tub, the location of which matters not, as long as it's a friendly placeriding my bicycle up and down the dolores street sidewalk on a hot dayin the duboce street house circa early 2003, and megan is making toaster wafflesin the poetry room at city lights booksin melbourne, on the beach in st kildadancing
i went to hear noah levine and his friend vinny speak at CELLspace this evening. i was so grateful when i saw on tribe that he was speaking tonight. today was really hard, and being able to see noah levine, a teacher who is familiar and who i respect a lot, was very comforting. he has a particular way of approaching teaching that really works for me, and hearing him speak is always really inspiring and gives me hope. in a way, he teaches meditation as a tool to make life less scary, which is what i needed today for sure.i can't express it as well as he can, but i wanted to try to write down some of what he said about suffering and nonattachment. he described how, when we use judgement and anger to struggle against our pain and suffering, we only create more pain and suffering, and more fear. he then described how when we try to hold on to pleasurable experiences or feelings, that we can only feel grief at their passing, thus turning even pleasure into difficulty. but, if we can be with our suffering, without judgement, we can lessen it. and if we can allow pleasure to come and go without being attached to it, or its loss, we can more fully enjoy it. this resonated a lot with me today. i thought a lot about attachment, the desperate clinging to something - a certain outcome, a certain desire. and the horrible struggle it brings. i thought about how horribly crushed we can be by replaying the past and fantasizing about the future, by fantasizing about what we will attain later on. you know, later on, when it will all be better. i hope i can remember these thoughts and realizations and turn to them for comfort. and practice softening my belly. and letting go.i wish that noah was still teaching regularly around the bay, but i think he's only up at spirit rock these days, and i've no way to get there easily. i wonder when i'll ever learn to drive.in other news, franklin the cat has been sleeping on me for hours. he's permutated through all the sanctioned positions of cuteness: paw over face, paws stretched out far in front of face, tiny ball, tiny loaf, paws on my face. sigh. the moments drag on.
i have had many many many dreams in my life where i'm driving a car that i cannot control. only once did i dream of being able to park the car and get out - usually i wake myself up when my dream self is frantically trying to find the brake or navigate horrible oncoming traffic.another in the series of driving dreams, with a new twist:last night i dreamt that oliver and i were picking out a car for me, together. i'd had two cars shipped to me, to choose between. one was a car that i thought of as a jetta, but actually looked like a convertible version of this bmw 2002. the other was a green sedan with black interior that seemed very dark inside, and too big. i chose the "jetta" 2002 and we drove away in it, me behind the wheel, and oliver alternating between the passenger seat or back seat in his murky dream state.soon the car was out of control, in a way that cars in my dreams never are: it was going too fast. we careened at top speed down a stretch of highway that looked very much like the stretch of highway in michigan where oliver once let me drive. i was in a panic and crying, fumbling frantically for the brake pedal but not able to reach it. i begged oliver to help me. in a beautiful and restful moment, oliver pulled the emergency brake for me, somehow using magic skills to make it behave like a brake pedal would, slowing us gently to a stop. in the dream i knew he would save me, and i felt safe and taken care of. and so relieved.and it wasn't until i laid my head down to try and sleep, at 3:30am, that i remembered the dream. and it wasn't until i remembered this dream that the tears came. -->
i didn't write this. but i am infinitely grateful that someone did.HaloWhy do we hide from one another? It's true that part of the reason is that there is often an emptiness inside us that we would rather keep a secret and cover up with conversation, curiosities, sociability, ostentation, and with this comes the creeping knowledge that this void exists in others, too; those who hide it well, who allow us to suspend our disbelief, we call the best company.But there is another reason which is less excusable. We find in some a connection which is the source of tremendous danger, a place where rather than finding emptiness, we are subject to and powerless to ignore the overflowing of another's personhood. It saturates their every word, movement, expression, it's an indelible themness which surrounds everything they do like a halo. The opposite of nothingness, it is too much - we are overwhelmed. This is love.Why avoid it? Precisely because it might change who we are in ways we can neither predict nor control.
Today is the 9th anniversay of my arrival in San Francisco, and the offical beginning of my 10th year living here. I think I actually arrive on the night of the 3rd, but I always count the 4th, my first real day in SF.History:Jan 4, 1997 - my first journal entry from SFJan 4, 1999 - two year anniversaryJan 4, 2002 - i forget it's the anniversary, and instead, describe a disturbing dream i hadJan 2, 2004 - in new york, going through a hellish breakup and painful life change, i am not happy, nor am i interested in thinking about the SF anniversaryJan 4, 2005 - back in SF, and still bad at math, i refer to the 8th anniversary of my arrival as the 9th. in fact, i'm still not sure this is wrong. i arrived on jan 4, 1997.god, my archiving in MT is really, really fucked up. i wish i was in the mood to fix it. but i'm not....2006joanna likes to name each new year the "year of such and such." i can't cite examples now, but i seem to recall that when she looks back on the year at the end of it, it often lives up to the name she gave it. today, i'd like to name 2006 for myself, as the year of re-opening. it will be the year that i open myself again to change and magic and adventure. love.
here i am, at my desk, having my first bagel of the new year. it's fucking amazing, and so was my f'in latte, so i think things are off to a good start. on sunday, my last day in nyc, some excellent things happened:- i went to chant hanuman chaleesa with krishna das & others. this is a new year's day tradition at dharma yoga in nyc, and it's becoming a tradition of mine too. so good. - i had some gorilla coffee AND took the train from a new subway stop in brooklyn (atlantic)- i dined with jesse and karen and pals. i was in such a great mood from chanting that i was full of meows and exclamations. then they took me to mud cafe on 9th st, which is a wonderful cozy little place and i never wanted to leave.momentarily, i must commence many accomplishments:- emailing people i've been meaning to email, re: permaculture, driving lessons- calling people i've been meaning to call, re: tax debt- checking some websites re: upcoming school schedule- paying some bills. rad!also, i am at work, and so, i shall work. the big question is, what music should i listen to at work? i spent the last few months of 2005 playing the fucking black eyed peas album so many times that it eventually made me want to die. i would be interested in any suggestions for some upbeat and happy music i can listen to while i work. hip hop, cheesy trance, exciting indian techno with sitars and bass, you know, give me what you got.the world is a really gentle and amazing place. i would very much like to remind myself that despite the lean times, the times of saturnian lack, there are cycles, and my touchstones will always present themselves. eventually. confidential to virgos, jay the nurse, complacent, and brooklyn: thank you. confidential to my cats: stop scratching that.
it sleeted and snowedi felt depressed and lonelyi walked to gorilla coffee in the sleetthen ate mexican food for breakfast by myselflater, pete made mac & cheese with brocollino one could get a cohesive party planpeople seemed grumpyi set off to jesse & karen's with my hoop, but then i decided me and the hoop just weren't meant to be, and i left it in the canal street subway station. sorry hoop. it was all for the best, there was absolutely NO room to hoop at complacent.at jesse and karens, i kissed pinky at midnight! and met pinky's cute capricorn friend jeremyand missed oliver, and the phones wouldn't work for either midnight - new york's or puerto rico's. i finally called him from the lobby of the apartment building.. it was the most peaceful quiet oasis, a stark contrast to the party. 6 of us made our way from jesse & karens to the complacent party after a freezing cold walk to the subway. i started to take off my pants on the sidewalk and give them to pinky because she was cold and wearing a miniskirt (hello?). but then i didn't.we were a motley crew, mostly pinky friends, including one person she randomly met on the subway.we met a cute/sad girl at the west 4 street stop while waiting for the train - she was freaking out. her boyfriend had just left her at times square. she was so pretty, with glitter eyeshadow and a houndstooth tweed coat. we almost convinced her to come along with us, then she hopped out of the train at the last minute, off to chase after a new guy. at complacent, i saw noah. we've grown up. it was mellow and good, a real checking in of old friends. he seems so amazingly grounded compared to before. maybe i do too.i had a wonderful conversation around the fire pit with a really awesome guy named jay. he's a nurse practicioner who specializes in death and dying. he seemed really great, i got the gentlest sweetest feeling from him. talking to him made me so happy. i was compelled to hug him so i did. i wish to have more interactions where there can be hugging of new friends.there was lots of loud jungle. it was a bit much.rode the F back to the slope, found egg & nick & pete & urcella & tuggy at home. happy drunken carousing ensued. i made coffee and we ate the rest of the mac and cheese and read people magazine and listened to goofy music.now it's just me and tugs. tuggy is playing WOW. oh, now tuggy's going to bed.well, i'm up!!!
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